It. Is. Hard.
The end.
Haha! There's more but, yes, it is very hard.
First, I forgot a lot more than I thought once Ana came along. The general stuff I remember, but it's the details that I forgot and, I guess, the emotions that goes with having a newborn. I was prepared for the lack of sleep and frustration but I forgot how massive those feelings of frustration and helplessness was when your baby is not sleeping. I think it was compounded with the fact that I didn't want to wake Emily so I wanted Ana to fall asleep quickly. With Emily, I didn't feel as stressed because I didn't have to worry about waking another child. Yes, the crying would stress me out but I was able to take however long she needed to fall asleep. It's been harder to do with Ana, unfortunately.
Which bring me to my second point. My time has become so much more limited. I don't have time to clean. I don't have time to rest. I don't have time to cook. I don't have time to play with Emily. I don't have time to comfort Ana. I don't have time to hang out with my husband. Sigh. Scheduling was tricky as well because David travels for his work. So when he's not home, I have juggle Emily's dinner and bedtime with Ana hungry and/or tired. It's a good evening when Ana is able to nap through that whole time.
This blog post sums up what I feel with trying to make sure Emily got the attention she needs while Ana needs a majority of my time. A Letter To My Firstborn: I Miss Us.
Emily continued going to daycare when Ana was born so I thought I would have some time to take care of things. I was mistaken. More because I was so drained and tired. I was also really stressed to have Ana sleep. So, I was too emotionally drained to do anything. It was really helpful having Emily at daycare. Not only did that give me the time I wanted and needed with Ana, but Emily was able to have something consistent in her day. Not to mention hours to romp and play. If you have the means to, have your oldest child continue to go to daycare while you are caring for your newborn. I was incredibly lucky to be able to have that option.
Lastly, I didn't fully appreciate how independent Emily was getting. Going from a toddler who is potty trained, can feed herself and can communicate her wants and needs to a newborn who is completely helpless and needs help with everything.... what a transition. Haha. I find myself looking forward to when Ana will be a little more independent as well, like sitting up.
Reading back, there seems to be a lot of unhappiness. It's such a huge change in our lives, it definitely takes time to adjust. The nice thing is that it's not for long. I had to tell myself that a lot. Talking to other moms who have kids a little older than Emily, they all said that it starts to get better after 3 months. And they are right. Not only because Ana is now in daycare since I went back to work, but she also fell into a loose predictable schedule, sleeps well at night, and naps decently (for the most part). And so when Ana does go down for a nap, that gives me the chance to focus on Emily. Sometimes I'll take Emily out for a treat or we'll just go outside to play. I think it's been helpful for Emily to have time with just me. It lets her know that I haven't forgotten about her and I still care about her. And it helps me feel better knowing that I'm not neglecting her too much.
My life getting a teensy bit simpler aside, watching Ana grow and seeing Emily interact with her is pretty adorable. Sure there are times where I'm afraid Emily is going to suffocate Ana with a hug or accidentally bang Ana in the head because she is not aware of her surroundings, but Emily has been very affectionate with Ana. So affectionate, I compare Emily to Elmira; a little rough with the hugs a kisses. But she's a toddler so we just keep repeating that she has to be gentle. And I would rather that than having Emily resent Ana and try to really hurt her.
As time goes on, things are getting easier and a new normal is falling into place. Many things in life are hard and raising children is right up there. However, for me, seeing them happy, healthy, and enjoying life is pretty damn rewarding.
Emily reading to Ana. <3
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